I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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