Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize