my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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