My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
did i walk over a car last night?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
