I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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