you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
