I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
