he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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