I think my fart just growled at me.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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