She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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