tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
