1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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