How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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