theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
