The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
