Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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