guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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