She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
