It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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