omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
