Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
