i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
