Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
