I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It's rum buckets o'clock
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize