my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
