i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
