drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
