I think I won the penis lottery.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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