woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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