The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
