This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
