i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
