he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
being pregnant is like rehab
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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