Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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