How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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