Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
