yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
