Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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