Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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