I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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