This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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