i was rollin on her like bob the builder
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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