IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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