If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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