my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
