I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
