Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
you had me at cake vodka
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Help. Why am I so naked?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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