I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
