Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
