dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Randomize
