just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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