she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
