he shaved USA in his pubs
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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