I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
