thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Your penis caused this!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
