I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
