How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
