let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
