so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
